Woo hoo!

I'm glad I'm not a fucking bitch, nor do I have any damn kids! It's really not that hard to not be an asshole or use protection, contrary to popular belief.

Team Me all fucking day.

Island.

So I get dumped and kicked off friend island at the same time. Fuckin' bullshit.

Dumbass.

I'm lonely. I have no real friends, and now Borat is trying to distance himself.

Speaking of which, why the fuck would you call someone you dumped from outside a busy bar in the middle of the night to complain about how hard it is to find potential replacements for said person? What kind of reaction are you expecting to that? Sympathy? "Oh, I feel so bad that you are not fucking someone else's brains out right now, boo hoo hoo. " Whatever the fuck ever. Am I the only person you can call to whine? We both know damn well that you didn't want to talk to me, you just needed something to do while your friends were partying it up. Had there been a plethora of girls you were attracted to there, I would have been the LAST damn thing on your mind.

GTFOOHWTFBS.

Pathetic

I still love Borat. Even though I try to suppress it, every day I am still wishing that he will say that he wants to give us another go. He thinks we would ultimately be unhappy together, but I don't. I know I wouldn't, so maybe he just means he'd be unhappy?

I'm really hoping that he never dates another black chick. For no good reason except if he does, I will constantly compare myself to her. If he ends up with an indian girl, I will be able to foolishly tell myself that it's a cultural thing, but if she's black, it's just me. Every time he leaves his house I think he is going to meet the perfect girl and forget all about me, and I get scared. I guess this is what Artist felt like?

Maybe it's karma.

Just when I think I may be feeling better, it goes drastically downhill. So Borat would rather take the chance associated with an arranged marriage than on me. What the fuck man? He can't even explain our differences, but they are "sooooo wide" and uncompromising. Everything is very general, nothing concrete at all. Basically an "it's not me, it's you" without actually committing to saying it. Clearly there is something there that he can pinpoint, or it wouldn't be telling him to get rid of me.

I feel like my blog has turned into the Borat show, all Borat, all the time and it kind of repulses me. I have become the people I hate, those that can't let go, all emotional and depressing and annoying, but I can't stop myself. I feel like if I don't make myself heard then I will regret not giving it my all later.

Too bad you can't make someone want you.

Is it wrong that every time I communicate with (email, chat, phone) Borat of his own initiation, I am hoping that he is contacting me to say that he's changed his mind? I really need to get over that because it is not healthy and we have agreed to be platonic friends. I know if I was on the opposite end, it would be very hard for me to continue a relationship with someone who you knew was always hoping to be thrown a bone.

The problem with that is, things don't normally work their way out of my system. They either linger for years or are purged in an instant. I don't want to purge my feelings for him, but this sad and depressing shit is for the birds. I'm putting on this happy face for the world, and in turn my emotions are bubbling over in the most ridiculous ways. I just don't know. I'm almost afraid to see him in person, because I will either feel everything come rushing back, or I will feel absolutely nothing at all, like a stranger. When Artist and I broke up, I was over it within the week, within 24 hours if I'm going to keep it totally 100. It was much easier because I had been mulling over my decision for so long that I had emotionally checked out to some degree.

This was just like a slap in the face, and I do not deal well with surprises. Just when everything in my life was seeming to look up , something had to go wrong. I should have known something was up when I had such a bullshit time going out in Baltimore the night before. Baltimore outings are ALWAYS fun, but that one was such a drag and filled with so many "this can't be life" happenings that I should have been ready for the other shoe to drop.

Never thought I'd be sad about being single...I'm such a wimp.

I keep hoping that Borat will realize that even with our differences (which he can't even seem to name), he'd rather be with me than without me. Isn't that what true, real love is? The thought that you can't live without someone no matter what obstacles stand in your way? I don't understand how he can expect to ever settle down and get married (unless it's arranged) with the mindset that he has now. Relationships are not smooth sailing all of the time. They take work. Everyone falls out of that passionate love feeling, no matter how similar in personality they start out. That's just how it works. He can find someone who is exactly like him in every way, with the same morals, ideals, hopes, and dreams, but he can't guarantee that they will remain that way. He can't guarantee that he will feel the connection with them just because of it. He can't predict the future.

I dunno. I'm just so sad about it all. It's too new. I keep hoping that I will wake up and it will all have been a bad dream, but every day that passes takes me a day closer to my permanently broken heart.

I might as well just keep this window open, because it seems like I will be using it all day long. Borat is always talking about how I wouldn't fit in to his family, but it seems like he never stops to think that I wouldn't WANT to fit into that family. His family has major issues, and his mother is seriously crazy. She'd be the mother-in-law from hell, and they are in no rush to try and seek any kind of help for her, so why would I want to set myself up for that kind of drama?

Add in a spoiled brat of a sister with entitlement issues and degree snobbery, and a father that acquiesces to all of the mother's wishes because of her emotional blackmail, and what do you get? A situation that is something you have to see to believe. I am not as against family as he believes, but I am damn sure against becoming a part of an emotional clusterfuck. Of course, I can never share my feelings on this issue with him because family is a very touchy subject. He's always trying to play peacemaker, which usually involves him bending over backwards for three people that never return the favor. People only do to you what you allow them to, so everyone is to blame.

I never know when to leave well enough alone. I spent all summer growing my hair out so that it would be nice and long for fall, and what have I spent the last two days doing? Cutting it! This is a problem. I am so mad at myself because this is what I always do. It is seriously like a compulsion and I don't know how to stop it.

Some people cut their skin, I cut my hair. The most random thing can send me into a downward spiral, and I take it out on the only factor I can control. My hair. If I can't keep my life in order, but I can make those ends perfect! Except that I can't. I never can. I never stop when it looks "good enough", it has to be "perfect". Then it gets fucked up, and I start feeling like 1. ugly, because I think I look like shit, and 2. a failure, because I gave into my sick impulses, and 3. insane, because I have these impulses in the first place.

I find it very hard to believe that anyone would find my ex-boyfriend attractive based solely on his physical appearance. The only people I could see doing it were white girls that love all black dick.

-Why don't assholic people realize their assholish-ness?

-How sad that after all these years of friendship, all I can muster up is friendly indifference. Oh well, it is what it is. No invitation for you next year.

If i could meld my old boyfriend's personality with my new boyfriend's appearance I'd have absolute perfection.

Too bad.