Is it wrong that every time I communicate with (email, chat, phone) Borat of his own initiation, I am hoping that he is contacting me to say that he's changed his mind? I really need to get over that because it is not healthy and we have agreed to be platonic friends. I know if I was on the opposite end, it would be very hard for me to continue a relationship with someone who you knew was always hoping to be thrown a bone.

The problem with that is, things don't normally work their way out of my system. They either linger for years or are purged in an instant. I don't want to purge my feelings for him, but this sad and depressing shit is for the birds. I'm putting on this happy face for the world, and in turn my emotions are bubbling over in the most ridiculous ways. I just don't know. I'm almost afraid to see him in person, because I will either feel everything come rushing back, or I will feel absolutely nothing at all, like a stranger. When Artist and I broke up, I was over it within the week, within 24 hours if I'm going to keep it totally 100. It was much easier because I had been mulling over my decision for so long that I had emotionally checked out to some degree.

This was just like a slap in the face, and I do not deal well with surprises. Just when everything in my life was seeming to look up , something had to go wrong. I should have known something was up when I had such a bullshit time going out in Baltimore the night before. Baltimore outings are ALWAYS fun, but that one was such a drag and filled with so many "this can't be life" happenings that I should have been ready for the other shoe to drop.