Soo, clearly I was more affected by TJ than I thought. Just having him around in any capacity that I'm not comfortable with gets me shook. He randomly showed up AGAIN at his former workplace, and I'll be dammed if I didn't have a mini heart attack. Life would be so much easier if he had already departed to whatever state I thought he was supposed to depart to.
What makes it worse is that this could have all completely been avoided, had I not been so interested in satisfying my curiosity and feeding my ego. You have to go all in when breaking the rules, and I couldn't get it together. Not to mention my borderline harassment after our horrendously awkward encounter. Trying to make everything as normal as it once was totally blew up in my face. I'm not used to being ignored, especially for seemingly no reason at all, and the crazy behavior at work was driving me insane. I have never seen so much careful hiding and strategically placed exits in my life. And yet, because I have a twisted desire to make all things right in the world, I just can't let it go. I need to realize that I can't fix it, things will probably be awkward for all of eternity, and I just have to deal. I convinced myself that since we had our little "let's be friends again" talk that we would actually be that. I'm an idiot clearly.
The worst part is that had I played my cards right, I would have had a nice little summer fling set up for myself. Now that door has been closed. Thankfully, this whole experience taught me a lot more about myself than I probably would have realized any other way, and although he was a nice distraction from my real life, I need not be trying to distract myself from my real life. Productivity has gone through the roof, and when I'm not having unwanted scared little girl heart palpitations, I'm a generally happier person.
