Speaking of Dreamer, I can't even make myself give a fuck anymore because of how self-serving and shady she was about trying to deflect blame. It's not even that I'm still mad, because I'm not, it's just that I don't think my heart ever fully recovered to the point where I could actively give a damn about the status of our relationship. I used to feel extremely confused and guilty about this, wondered if I was still harboring secret feelings of rage, and came to the conclusion that sometimes things just can't be the same, no matter how much you want them to.
She contacted me a while back, left me a really sweet voicemail. It touched my heart, I shed a tear, and yet the idea of calling her back and rekindling the conversation just didn't have enough priority in my life for me to do it. I don't know what will become of us. I realized about a year ago that she had restricted her facebook settings so that I couldn't see her wall or most of her photos, and was totally bewildered because it seemed extremely random. She changed them again twice more, once so I could see everything, and then back to limited. I'm the kind of person that needs equality and balance, so I said fuck it and put her on my limited list as well. We never spoke about it, and probably never will.
The problem with putting friends on pedestals is that when they fall, they fall harder than you could have ever imagined. I used to see her as this wonderful person, but I was looking through my rose colored glasses of love. After everything went down, I started automatically simplifying everything to the point of insult. Before it was all "oh Penguin and Dreamer are so sexually empowered, they love em' and leave em'", now it's "damn those bitches can't keep a man for more than one night, and they only get the one nighters because of yellow fever and the promise of sex", just crazy fuckin' stuff. Not to say that I don't still believe that on some level, but there is no need to be so harsh.
God this is all over the place, but it's my blog and I can do what I want. If Dreamer hadn't sent me that long ass ridiculous email claiming I was being selfish and childish and some other bullshit back when we were first making up, I might feel differently. To this day I wish I had responded to it with my true feelings, which were "Bitch please", instead of just going with the flow since I was tired of dealing with it. Don't act brand new with me like you hadn't had numerous mental and emotional meltdowns about STRANGERS hitting on a guy that you dated for about a minute 500 years ago and expect that I should be cool with you and my EX-BOYFRIEND(Artist) OF SIX YEARS trying to bang it out behind my back. BITCH PLEASE!!! GTFOOHWTBS! Especially when the whole time you have been trying to spin it and put all the damn blame on him like you weren't initiating kisses and saying "look what you'll never have" BITCH MOTHERFUCKING PLEASE don't come at me with that cockadoody lame ass "I'm so hurt". Own your shit.
If they had just been up front about their feelings instead of concocting all sorts of stories I would have had no problem with it. And as crazy as that sounds, that is the honest truth. They would have made a much better couple than he and I ever did, and I gave them my blessing to continue on with it after the truth came out. The whole situation really closed my heart off, and as much as I want to have what we used to, I just don't have it in me. I can't even tell you how many times I go to her FB and Myspace pages and wish things were different. I really can't. I HATE that it has come to this, and I know that if I had called her back that day things might be different, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I want to be able to see all her beautiful qualities. I want to remember how much I enjoyed having her in my life, but I can't. It makes me so sad that some days I don't even know what to do with myself, but I can't force it.
She contacted me a while back, left me a really sweet voicemail. It touched my heart, I shed a tear, and yet the idea of calling her back and rekindling the conversation just didn't have enough priority in my life for me to do it. I don't know what will become of us. I realized about a year ago that she had restricted her facebook settings so that I couldn't see her wall or most of her photos, and was totally bewildered because it seemed extremely random. She changed them again twice more, once so I could see everything, and then back to limited. I'm the kind of person that needs equality and balance, so I said fuck it and put her on my limited list as well. We never spoke about it, and probably never will.
The problem with putting friends on pedestals is that when they fall, they fall harder than you could have ever imagined. I used to see her as this wonderful person, but I was looking through my rose colored glasses of love. After everything went down, I started automatically simplifying everything to the point of insult. Before it was all "oh Penguin and Dreamer are so sexually empowered, they love em' and leave em'", now it's "damn those bitches can't keep a man for more than one night, and they only get the one nighters because of yellow fever and the promise of sex", just crazy fuckin' stuff. Not to say that I don't still believe that on some level, but there is no need to be so harsh.
God this is all over the place, but it's my blog and I can do what I want. If Dreamer hadn't sent me that long ass ridiculous email claiming I was being selfish and childish and some other bullshit back when we were first making up, I might feel differently. To this day I wish I had responded to it with my true feelings, which were "Bitch please", instead of just going with the flow since I was tired of dealing with it. Don't act brand new with me like you hadn't had numerous mental and emotional meltdowns about STRANGERS hitting on a guy that you dated for about a minute 500 years ago and expect that I should be cool with you and my EX-BOYFRIEND(Artist) OF SIX YEARS trying to bang it out behind my back. BITCH PLEASE!!! GTFOOHWTBS! Especially when the whole time you have been trying to spin it and put all the damn blame on him like you weren't initiating kisses and saying "look what you'll never have" BITCH MOTHERFUCKING PLEASE don't come at me with that cockadoody lame ass "I'm so hurt". Own your shit.
If they had just been up front about their feelings instead of concocting all sorts of stories I would have had no problem with it. And as crazy as that sounds, that is the honest truth. They would have made a much better couple than he and I ever did, and I gave them my blessing to continue on with it after the truth came out. The whole situation really closed my heart off, and as much as I want to have what we used to, I just don't have it in me. I can't even tell you how many times I go to her FB and Myspace pages and wish things were different. I really can't. I HATE that it has come to this, and I know that if I had called her back that day things might be different, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I want to be able to see all her beautiful qualities. I want to remember how much I enjoyed having her in my life, but I can't. It makes me so sad that some days I don't even know what to do with myself, but I can't force it.
